Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Kryptonite for Sale!

Welcome to the annual blow out bonanza of Supervillian Sunday! As usual for this time of year, Lex Luthor, billionaire and psychopath, has ordered more kryptonite*** than he could possibly use against the caped crusader, Superman!

Kryptonite can best be described as radioactive ore from the planet Krypton. When Krypton was blown to pieces (some attribute this to civil war, and others to General Zod), these beautiful babies were hurled across space, along with an alien craft housing a small alien child.

What are these minerals used for, you may ask? To warp Superman! (Disclaimer: None of these ores can be used against any other superhero not born on Krypton as Batman, Spiderman, The Flash, The Hulk, Captain America, and The Fantastic Four have merely looked at the rocks quizzically and then promoted defeated their nemesis--for more information on this lack of power, buy the new book Testimonies of the Superweak: A History of Pathetic Villains written by Boy Wonder.)

Compare these beauteous raw rocks! The color determines what havoc you would wish to inflect on Superman: Green is the most famous kryptonian ore.

This rare little beauty causes immediate pain and will kill within hours. It can cause cancer in normal humans--an added bonus! A mere ounce goes for the deed to a small planet!

Red is always a favorite for the villain who does not wish to kill, but merely to gain a sidekick! The crimson rock has shown to cause Superman to lose all moral inhibitions and to exhibit criminal-like behavior. It can be yours in exchange for your latest devious device!

Gold K has the most mystery around it for no one is quite certain what it can do. Some say it will permanently remove Superman's powers, yet newspaperman Clark Kent (from The Daily Planet in Metropolis) argues against this theory, stating instead that gold kryptonite is merely a deluded form of red kryptonite. Superman declines to comment. (No gold k is available for sale at this time as all of our supply mysteriously vanished overnight.)

A special little ore that has a double use is blue kryptonite. Similar to the color of a brilliant sapphire, blue kryptonite weakens Superman's powers, but also nullifies his ability to be affected by green kryptonite. Villains, use this one cautiously! Price: twenty henchmen Two for one!

Black kryptonite (a super-heated green kryptonite) can split Superman's personality into "good" and "evil". The wise villain would have a green kryptonite ready to dispose of the "good" Superman, thus craftily seducing the "evil" Superman to their cause. You can get this priceless baby for the low cost of your most loyal minion!

White kryptonite is usual for killing your garden to allow your weeds to flourish, but has little affect on Superman. If you wish this, it is given away free in the Destructo Lounge.

Do not be fooled! Silver kryptonite is not white kryptonite! Silver K causes mass paranoia in Superman, providing hilarity for the villain to watch. Superman will think all his allies have turned against him, becoming a danger to them and himself. Silver kryptonite is extremely rare and its creation unknown. The only known piece is in the Luthor Vault (see Lex Luthor for bargaining).

This is a once in a lifetime sale which will end on the last day of this month! Failure to obtain even one piece could result in other supervillains openly mocking you at cocktail parties! Do not delay!

***Kryptonite effects based mostly upon Smallville scenarios***

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