The question uppermost in my mind this week is: why? Why did Grandma choose to leave us? Why did she not want to spend more time with us?
She could have taken medication to help with her blockages. She could have changed her diet and prolonged her life. She was told what she needed to do and she was given instructions on how to stay with her family longer.
She chose not to do so.
Was it because she had been a widow for sixteen years? Was it because she had moved to the mountains and had hardly anyone for company? Was it because most of her friends had died and gone on to their Reward?
Why did she not want to watch her great-grandchildren grow? Why did she not wish to stay around for her grandchildren to spend more time with her? Why did she not want to continue to provide guidance for her surviving children?
Why did she not talk to me?
We had been close--she talked to me about a lot of things over the years. We shared, we laughed, we cried, we grew to be friends. Why did she not talk to me about her plans? Was I so focused on myself and my family that she thought I would not hear? I had moved to another state, but I always had time for her. Did I not tell her so?
At least I know I told her I loved her. At least I got to speak to her privately before she finally passed on. I just wish I had the satisfaction of knowing she went to her Reward...She had been unfaithful for a long time, though had just determined to make a better effort at returning to God. Does that count for God if she had decided that the day before she suffered her heart attack, or was it too late?
I suppose that part gnaws at me the most....not knowing if she is suffering still, or finally at peace.
And above it all I cannot help but wonder "why?"...