Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Thoughts as I Attempt to Move Through the Grieving Process

The question uppermost in my mind this week is: why? Why did Grandma choose to leave us? Why did she not want to spend more time with us?

She could have taken medication to help with her blockages. She could have changed her diet and prolonged her life. She was told what she needed to do and she was given instructions on how to stay with her family longer.

She chose not to do so.


Was it because she had been a widow for sixteen years? Was it because she had moved to the mountains and had hardly anyone for company? Was it because most of her friends had died and gone on to their Reward?

Why did she not want to watch her great-grandchildren grow? Why did she not wish to stay around for her grandchildren to spend more time with her? Why did she not want to continue to provide guidance for her surviving children?

Why did she not talk to me?

We had been close--she talked to me about a lot of things over the years. We shared, we laughed, we cried, we grew to be friends. Why did she not talk to me about her plans? Was I so focused on myself and my family that she thought I would not hear? I had moved to another state, but I always had time for her. Did I not tell her so?

At least I know I told her I loved her. At least I got to speak to her privately before she finally passed on. I just wish I had the satisfaction of knowing she went to her Reward...She had been unfaithful for a long time, though had just determined to make a better effort at returning to God. Does that count for God if she had decided that the day before she suffered her heart attack, or was it too late?

I suppose that part gnaws at me the most....not knowing if she is suffering still, or finally at peace.

And above it all I cannot help but wonder "why?"...


  1. I have to wonder if we are better off not knowing where our loved ones have gone. Our uncertainty of their eternal future can often be the motivation we need to lead a better Christian life.

  2. I think my mother was ready to go because the last few months she live one day at a time and she seem to be Happy with that. She also knew she good leave her famiy behind. We will never know why she didn't want to take mediciation to prolong her life. Cause God reach out in her peaceful ness and she took his hand and left us.I looked at it like this because its easier to accept it taht why. Love her Dauthger Lori Ann Smith.

  3. It is too bad that she chose not to communicate about her health and her decisions but, ultimately, it was HER choice. We just have to accept that she thought she was making the best choices for herself and everyone else concerned. AS far as your question about whether she returned to God in time or not......from what I gather it is NEVER too late. "The first shall be last and the last shall be first" if I remember correctly.
    If you can, celebrate that you had her for as long as you did and try not to drive yourself around the bend with the questions for which there are no answers. It is what it is.
    Peace and blessings!

  4. I believe she had been thinking about her last "retirement" over the last few years. She often reflected about how long she had been on this earth and how tired she was of struggling to get up and move around. She continued on though, until she was confident her children were capable of taking care of themselves. She got to see a whole new generation started with her 2 great-grandchildren and she loved them dearly. She loved each one of us in her own, unselfish way. It she had been selfish, she would have given up a long time ago. Not her! She wouldn't go on until she was assured that everyone could get along without her.
    When we were fortunate enough to have her live with us, I often saw her talking to God through prayer. I'm sure she talked to Him about her "retirement." What she said, we will never know! I seem to think she had things worked out because she had always put so much thought and preparation into things soon to come.
    I know she didn't want to leave us; however, she had fulfilled her ambitions and considered her life complete. Ultimately, she was more concerned about us than she was about herself. She was a remarkable woman that we all learned so much from and loved so very much.
    My prayer is that we can all lead productive lives from here forward while remembering those that have gone on before us. We can honor her by drawing closer to each other and letting the love that they (Lee and Dora) started to continue to grow and expand throughout this family. May God bless us all!

    Ricky B