Yes, to the world it is Mother's Day. The wonderful day that we take to celebrate our mothers and all the good things that they have done for us. Usually, I am right in the middle of it and enjoying the special attention lavished upon me by my husband and little girl.
This year, though, I am pretending it does not exist.
How is that working for me? Hm, well, mostly okay as long as I avoid reading people's news feeds where they happily wish each other Happy Mother's Day. And I can blindly ignore the comments directed my way pretty easily when they are done electronically and not in person.
For if I chose to acknowledge this day, I must also allow that on this day, one year ago, was when my precious Grandmother suffered her heart attack. It was during the long hours of this night that the surgeons toiled over her to try to save her life, even with four blockages. It was during this fight that she was lost for over thirty minutes and obtained brain damage, though no one knew of it yet. And it was this day that began the longest week of my life in sitting and waiting for word of improvement in the CCU waiting room.
So I choose to ignore this day, for this year, and avoid those thoughts. It brings me little comfort and I am not nearly as successful as I would like to be in pretending all is well. I sleep nearly constantly, do not talk to anyone, and have sequestered myself away from others.
This day is a hard day. This week will be a hard week. There will be much weeping and remembrances.
I know Grandma would not want me this way, but I feel as if I can cope with it no other way.
So have a happy Mother's Day to those of you who celebrate this day, but please understand when I do not return the greeting. Next year, I will go back to acknowledging this day, but for this year, for me, it does not exist.