Burdened

Some of you have wondered what happened to me since I disappeared, quite literally, from here. Life happened, I suppose.

My husband has filed for divorce and is trying to take my daughter from me, claiming I am "unfit". If I were, I'd be the first to admit it.

Life is extremely stressful and hard right now. I am trying to focus on improving my relationship with my daughter and fighting to protect her. With how things are right now, I'm afraid all my writings would be dark and angry, and you guys do not deserve that.

Also, friendships have been broken that were once dear. It seems as if I am buried right now and the only one who can save me is the precious angel I hold in my arms...for now.

God help me if he wins her from me, for I do not know how to survive without her...

I would not mind venting on here with my writings, but am afraid that he could somehow use it against me in the custody battle, so for now and until the hearing at the end of this month, I do not dare. Perhaps after then I can feel more free to do so, but I can't risk losing her due to hurt or angry feelings on my account in a public setting.

Poem

Life was perfect in the embrace of your arms
I wanted for nothing
Shined so brightly
Loved so freely and felt loved in return

Glass houses cannot stand forever
The sun turned cold
Your embrace was empty
My world shattered like my dreams

Hurt and bitterness replaced hope and trust
I fled to protect my heart
I wear anger like a shield
What once was broken can never be mended

But I remember the nights in your embrace
Tender and giving before receiving
Stroking life into my soul
A master artist in every sweet touch

I remember how we fell in love
The music that sang for us alone
Our time of exploring and searching
How you so patiently calmed my demons

Was everything you said and did then a lie?
How could I not see your pain?
Why did you not confide to me?
Why did you hide such a terrible burden from me?

Even wounded my soul yearns to be with you
I see your face in our child
I hear your laughter in her voice
And I bury inside how much I miss you

Am I giving up on us too soon?
How can I have you now?
Can you release the lies for us?
Is there a hope anymore for us to be?

More than just distance separates us now...

In my secret thoughts you are ever there
You are still my only love
Even amidst all the pain and hurt
Though after all this you will probably not believe

How can we turn our backs on all we had?
Can we ignore our history?
Can we find ourselves again?
But how can I live as your second love?

I long to return to your arms but have distrust
Reassure me and court me!
Tell me you have stopped the lie!
Show me that it is still me that you desire!

There is no one else I want more than you
Be the hero you once were to me!
Turn away forever from the wolf!
Pledge yourself to me as you had once!

Can you not see what I need from you?
Kindness, compassion, devotion
Outward signs of inward affection
If indeed you still feel any toward me at all

Long have my tears soaked my pillow
And I miss you with every breath
Yet I need you to understand
I cannot return if I am no longer your love

Do you still not understand what I say?

Even hurt
Even weeping
Even raging
I still fiercely love you, James

Please...

Come back to me....

My apologies-Giveaway

My sincerest apologies to all those I let down in the blog giveaway. There really are no excuses that would make it right, so I would like to do a belated giveaway. On September 3rd I will give away three interviews to those who comment, even if you just post 'Me too'. I will announce the winners on Sept 5th and post the first interview as soon as I can conduct it.

I hope this will help soothe ruffled feelings somewhat. I have had a lot of personal things going on and the day simply slipped me by. I feel awful about it and have actually been avoiding being online because of how badly I felt. It took a few friends to convince me to come back and face my disappointment as a blogger.

ALL comments to this post will be approved, no matter what they say. Please feel free to be honest in this.

I hope you guys will participate on the 3rd.

Thank you.

~Lydia

Busier than a Bee...or Would that be an Ant?

I am sure you have noticed that I am not posting near as much as I was. This is due to several things in my life, but the most pressing is my re-entering the world of academia.

I decided to try to finish my master's degree this time. While I am enjoying having homework again (yes, I said 'enjoy'...I am truly a nerd!) and showing my daughter an example of time management, it takes away from my creativity with my blog. By the time I am finished with papers and assignments, I feel like a dried up sponge. This is reflecting well in my grades (a 96 thus far in my Intro class), but horribly in the creative community.

So I thought I would pose a question to the void: Does anyone have any advice on balancing my creativity and my homework? Any sage words of wisdom in helping me figure out how to bolster my flagging muse while my nerd side kicks it into full gear?

Any thoughts could help, and be most appreciated!

Words are a Double-Edged Sword

"Words can hurt"... when we hear of this, normally our thoughts turn to the person the words are inflected upon. Yes, those words hurt, but what of the person who spoke them? Do the words reflect back to slice into them as well?

Indeed...

Recently I have been handling the blade of wounding words as if I were a master. The reason for this I am not sure exactly, except that I truly was out of a certain medication that makes me a more pleasant person, able to handle more, able to understand more, to "put up with" more... Without those lovely psychotropic pills, I can become quite a bore and a witch, besides.

For years, I have dealt with other people who are different than I. Surprising, right? We all have friends who range into basically three categories: My Twin, Slightly Aggravating, and Why on Earth Do I Put Up With You????

Our twins hardly ever irritate or annoy us, frequently finish our thoughts, and never seem to be far away. We could not speak or see each other for ten years, then meet up and resume a conversation we had previously as if no time had spanned. These are usually our "dearest friends".

The slightly aggravating friends are the ones whom we clash with from time to time, but always find a way to overcome it. These are the people with whom we build our own character, ride the roller coaster of life with the most, and expose our deepest secrets to. We fight, we fuss, we argue, we throw things, but all in all we come back to each other with opened arms and streams of tears.

With the third category, usually these 'friends' are not exactly our friends at all--they are merely called this because of circumstance or their own design. These are the ones to whom we do not feel close to, often entertain ideas of eliminating the unhealthy limb, and avoid as much as possible. Usually, we find a way to end the relationship.

But what happens when we unintentionally treat our first or second category friends as if they are the third? This can happen in times of stress, illness (mental or physical), immaturity, and just plain stupidity. In time we realize that we have mistreated our friend, but words have been spoken, wounds have been caused, and the other friend is (understandably) bleeding. Like with any wound, we cannot reverse it to keep it from happening, nor can we simply offer a bandage to contain the hurt. This is a hurt that oozes and instantly infects. It changes everything. It wounds both the person the words were directed at, and the one who spoke them.

I have suffered from this stupidity recently and wounded a dear friend who was just being herself. I have known for years that she is the way she is and will not change--at times I am able to silently bear with it more than others. When I boiled over to inflect my cutting words, I was suffering from stress, lack of sleep, lack of medication (which truly does help for some of us), aggravation, and a build up of repressed emotions. Under normal circumstances, I could sigh it away, like I have for years, and appreciate the friendship. That day, I lashed out at her, spoke words that, while true, were very hurtful, and should have handled it more like an adult instead of a bitch.

Usually I would try to use a different word, but I think that one quite accurately describes my behavior, so it will stay.

I regret more than I can ever express my behavior that night. The words were honest, but needed to be said differently, at a different time, and perhaps not at all. We are both hurting from numerous avenues of our lives and did not need me attacking at a vulnerable moment.

She may not read this, or respond. She may be upset to the point where she can no longer be around me or suffer my presence. I cannot say that I would blame her. I just wished to apologize again, in a way that is more sincere than the last way we spoke, so that she has it whenever she is ready for it.

From the depths of my heart, I sincerely and humbly beg your forgiveness, my friend. I hope you are able to come to the day where you are ready to speak to me about this, and perhaps I may earn my friendship again.

Until then, I wait upon your convenience.

Crochet

This is Lydia again. I know Jennifer will probably post again tomorrow, but for now I wanted to share my exciting (to me) news...

I learned how to crochet tonight!

My mother's been asking to teach me for years, so did my grandmother (who passed in May 2010) but I remember how I clashed with my mother when she taught me cross-stitch. Oh dear, was that horrible! I had no patience (hm, I still really do not have much patience) and we both ended up arguing so terribly that neither of us spoke to the other for hours. Trust me, for us, that's something.

So a friend taught me. You might have read her blog, The Modest Peacock where she posts all sorts of creative tidbits. She's a walking fount of artistic knowledge!!! She has shown me the basics and been very patient with my repeated questions.

I'm using one of my grandmother's crochet needles (if that's what they're called--I have a lot to go in learning all of this!) so I think she would be pleased. Sometimes, working on this, I've heard her voice in the back of my mind encouraging me and instructing. I must be remembering the lessons she taught me long ago, and only now am pulling it out now that I'm doing this.

Even if it's only my imagination, it feels good to be doing something grandma wanted me to do!

Guest blog Day #1

Hi! My name is Jennifer! Lydia is letting me guest blog for this week since I don't have one and I want to write about my stuff at the beach. I suppose I could start my own but then I'd feel pressured to keep writing in it after this week and I don't know if I want to do that yet. If I decide to, then I might copy and paste. Anyways, thank you, Lydia!!

Day one at Destin and we are staying with our wonderful friend Marilynn. She has been overrun with small children (my two year old and my friend, Jenny's, three year old) and has been smiling instead of running away or shutting the door in our face. Bless her heart!

Plans for today? Um.... make it to the beach and don't melt in a puddle from the heat. haha At least I should lose some weight this way! I can see it now: "Wow you look great! How did you lose all those pounds?" I'll smile and say "It's the sweat-loss weight plan. Go to the beach...hide in a sundress since you think you're too wide in a bathing suit, add a few more pieces of clothing, and viola! Ten pounds lighter in three days!"

I wish.

The beach is so rewarding for a writer. The smell of the salty ocean wafting on the breeze has always gotten my better creative juices flowing. Watch out, Kitty! My creative juices are flowing all into your van! Someone go get a towel....

I'm not sure what else to write, lol. Lydia's much better at this blogging thing than I am. For now, I will sign off, but more to come as this week progresses, I'm sure!

Oh! Marilyn has this amazingly beautiful queen of a cat named Charlotte. She's 15 and absolutely gorgeous! When we came in I let her sniff me at her leisure and then once she presented me with her chin I pet where she allowed. Marilyn had been distracted by the children and once she turned to me, her eyes widened with astonishment. I learned, much to my amusement, that Charlotte does not allow ANYONE to pet her without biting or scratching. Marilyn took one look at me pampering her baby and asked the magic question: "You're a cat person, aren't you?" Heehee Little does she know exactly how MUCH I love cats! I am definitely going to get pictures of this amazing diva before we leave! (Right now she's hiding from the children...a wise idea...)