Monday, May 23, 2011

Broken and Scattered

My heart is in a million pieces on the ground
If I just bend I can pick them up again
Each piece glints with memories
Some with sharp edges and others soft
If I just bend...

But I have bent so many times before!
I am weary and battle-scarred
Apprehensive and bitter now
I glare at the pieces on the ground
I am weary...

The person responsible should not be
I am filled with anger and hurt
There is no clear way to turn in the mire
There is no easy solution to take
I am filled with anger...

These pieces on the ground are lost hopes and dreams
A pox on he who causes me to weep so!
Do I even feel as if I want to pick up the pieces anymore?
Would I be better protected if I left them?
A pox on he!

Which direction do I go now?
It is not just myself who must be protected
My heart has been broken before, but hers?
How can I keep her safe and guard myself?
It is not just myself...

I am so weary from this constant battle!
What do I do with the pieces of my heart?
Everything in me tells me to leave~
But now I have no where to go...
What do I do?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Thoughts as I Attempt to Move Through the Grieving Process

The question uppermost in my mind this week is: why? Why did Grandma choose to leave us? Why did she not want to spend more time with us?

She could have taken medication to help with her blockages. She could have changed her diet and prolonged her life. She was told what she needed to do and she was given instructions on how to stay with her family longer.

She chose not to do so.


Was it because she had been a widow for sixteen years? Was it because she had moved to the mountains and had hardly anyone for company? Was it because most of her friends had died and gone on to their Reward?

Why did she not want to watch her great-grandchildren grow? Why did she not wish to stay around for her grandchildren to spend more time with her? Why did she not want to continue to provide guidance for her surviving children?

Why did she not talk to me?

We had been close--she talked to me about a lot of things over the years. We shared, we laughed, we cried, we grew to be friends. Why did she not talk to me about her plans? Was I so focused on myself and my family that she thought I would not hear? I had moved to another state, but I always had time for her. Did I not tell her so?

At least I know I told her I loved her. At least I got to speak to her privately before she finally passed on. I just wish I had the satisfaction of knowing she went to her Reward...She had been unfaithful for a long time, though had just determined to make a better effort at returning to God. Does that count for God if she had decided that the day before she suffered her heart attack, or was it too late?

I suppose that part gnaws at me the most....not knowing if she is suffering still, or finally at peace.

And above it all I cannot help but wonder "why?"...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The 10th of May

Today is a hard day. Today is the day that I lost my grandmother. Oh, she did not die completely on this day--her body hovered for another four days before it finally figured out she was gone. Not only do I have this anniversary to mourn, but I have to do so without the comfort of a cat.

Why is this a big deal, you may ask?

All of my life I have had a fuzzy comforter to bury my face in the fur and sob. Better than any Kleenex as a tissue is discarded and a cat purs, licks your face, and loves you in return. In order to move in with my husband's family, I had to give my cat, Ginger, away to a loving home. I see pictures of her (thank goodness for Facebook friends!) but I miss her as well.

My entire last year feels as if it is one of nothing but loss. I lost two grandparents and my cat. I lost my job and my independence. I lost my ability to provide for my family and I lost my self-esteem. (Like I had much to begin with...)

So depressing as this is, these are the thoughts consuming me. I will hug one of my daughter's stuffed kitties, sniffle into Kleenex, and mourn like most of the world.

You never realize your own strength until you have to learn how to mourn without the comfort of a cat...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Avoidance should be a 4 letter word

Yes, to the world it is Mother's Day. The wonderful day that we take to celebrate our mothers and all the good things that they have done for us. Usually, I am right in the middle of it and enjoying the special attention lavished upon me by my husband and little girl.

This year, though, I am pretending it does not exist.

How is that working for me? Hm, well, mostly okay as long as I avoid reading people's news feeds where they happily wish each other Happy Mother's Day. And I can blindly ignore the comments directed my way pretty easily when they are done electronically and not in person.

For if I chose to acknowledge this day, I must also allow that on this day, one year ago, was when my precious Grandmother suffered her heart attack. It was during the long hours of this night that the surgeons toiled over her to try to save her life, even with four blockages. It was during this fight that she was lost for over thirty minutes and obtained brain damage, though no one knew of it yet. And it was this day that began the longest week of my life in sitting and waiting for word of improvement in the CCU waiting room.

So I choose to ignore this day, for this year, and avoid those thoughts. It brings me little comfort and I am not nearly as successful as I would like to be in pretending all is well. I sleep nearly constantly, do not talk to anyone, and have sequestered myself away from others.

This day is a hard day. This week will be a hard week. There will be much weeping and remembrances.

I know Grandma would not want me this way, but I feel as if I can cope with it no other way.

So have a happy Mother's Day to those of you who celebrate this day, but please understand when I do not return the greeting. Next year, I will go back to acknowledging this day, but for this year, for me, it does not exist.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I've Been Tagged!

Wow...never been tagged in a blogtag before... Let's see if I can do this right...

Oh, first of all, Jenny at
The Modest Peacock got me into this madness, so I have to place blame...I mean, credit...where credit is due, heehee.

If you could go back in time and relive one moment, what would it be?

My wedding day. I was so nervous that it's mostly a blur. I'd love to go back so I could pay attention and actually relax!

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
Being tripped by a bratty child when I was a waitress (age 16). Due to that fateful moment, I have had myofaciitis in my back and pelvis, leading to a lot of days in pain.

What movie/TV character do you most resemble in personality?
Belle from Disney's The Beauty and the Beast. She reads constantly (as do I), and she feels as if she does not quite fit into the world around her. I feel this way as well. She's a dreamer and yearns for something more to her life. This parallels me exactly!

If you could push one person off a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?
Hm that's kind of a mean question, but I believe it to be a coward's way out to simply say "I wouldn't do that" since we all have those days where there is definitely someone we would want to push off a cliff. We'd regret it later, but yes, we'd be tempted. For a day like that, it usually involves my father. There are many reasons, and none of them I feel like explaining right now-yet for those of you who know me truly (and my parents), I think you would agree!

Name one habit you want to change in yourself.
My wonderful ability to doubt myself. I hardly ever see the good in myself and constantly doubt my abilities.

Describe yourself in one word.

Describe the person who named you in this meme in one word.

Why do you blog? Answer in one sentence.
I like to share my thoughts and opinions with others, and to learn their thoughts and opinions in return.

Name at least 3 people to send this meme to, and then inform them:
Shannon at
The Warrior Muse
Deirdra at A Storybook World
Misha at My First Book

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Staying Up is Not for the Old at Heart

As it stands, it is 6 am (central time) and I have been up nearly twenty-four hours. Perhaps not surprisingly, I am not really very tired either.

Stupid insomnia...

Why the venture into watching the sky darken and then lighten again with the rising of a new day? No, not for obvious reasons--or, rather, not just for those reasons. Added to the difficulty that I cannot seem to sleep without medicinal help (see my blog post in April about Insomnia), I had the added bonus of the fact that my husband wishes to visit the local unemployment office as soon as they open (8 am for those who do not know) so he can "beat the crowd".

...Sad that in our affluent society we have a "crowd" at the unemployment office...

But I digress...

Anyway, in order to make sure that I did not miscalculate with the medication (which requires eight hours of sleep before it releases you) and so I can watch our daughter while he does his errand, it required that I not attempt to sleep at all. What a disaster it would be if I had fallen asleep and could not awaken to allow him to leave as he had planned! (I say disaster as we have extremely recently had a...disagreement...about what insomnia is and his lack of understanding about how it affects someone--I would not want to invite the argument that would ensue!) Much simpler, therefore, to just stay awake.

His parents do not understand. His mother thinks I am awake simply because I could not "get away from" the computer (oh the look I received when she came down the stairs and saw me awake!). His father is more guarded in his expressions, and is usually infinitely more kind toward me, so I cannot venture for a certainty on what he is thinking.

Which leads into my other prevalent thought: I am getting very frustrated with our living situation. I have been invited to a second job interview on Thursday for someplace that I very much would like to be employed, doing a job that I would very much like to do.

May God grant me the ability to secure this job so we may soon move into our own home once again!!!!


Wait. Wow, did I veer off at the last moment! See? This proves what I was originally going to make a statement about: I had no problems staying up with no consequences when I was eight years younger. Now that I am approaching thirty I am finding that my mind becomes jelly the longer I am awake, instead of sharper. A strong cafe mocha loaded with sugar and plenty of caffeine, and I was ready to face a full day of college classes. Today I will be thankful if I am able to string a coherent sentence together!

Oh for the days of being younger!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Reflections on the A to Z Challenge

Yes, I am a few days late, but here are my few reflections on the blogging challenge I just finished.

I never knew I could do it! I am a procrastinator at heart. At least when it comes to writing. If there is not a deadline I can write all day long. Give me a deadline and my brain halts. So finishing each day, each letter, is quite something for me!

It would not be right not to thank those who have read, visited and commented. I know I have a few lurkers who never commented (you know who you are!), or who contacted me on Facebook to talk about my latest blog. And those of you who actually took the time to comment and offer public encouragement, your words mean so much to me! There were some days where I took a leap of faith in posting sensitive matters of my heart, and you embraced me wholly. I thank all of you!

Since I had only had my blog open for a few days before the challenge started, I did not have much of a following. I think, actually, I was at a grand total of 2--and both of those women I know personally. Through this challenge I have gained 22 followers! My ticker also shows nearly 900 views! Wow! This is amazing to me! So many like to read what I write, controversial or not. It is a huge shot in the arm!!

I am going to add the "I survived" button with great pride!

And if you are bored, wondering what to do or what to read, there is a bloghop for you to check out at the end of the post. Yet right now I want to speak to a few in particular:

The Modest Peacock. "You are the reason I'm in the mess..." I believe were the words I gave to you a week into this challenge. I have not yet had a chance to amend them and thank you for helping me to expand myself beyond my meager world. Thank you so much for your support and guidance during April, and my entire life!

Arlee at
Tossing It Out for hosting this grand mess! I have helped be a judge for fanfiction awards and that is crazy enough...I can't imagine how you juggled your personal life and then supporting those of us who decided to follow you into madness. Thank you for bringing us into your world!

And of course, Shannon from
The Warrior Muse. You bestowed upon me my first blogging award, which completely took me by surprise as I did not know those existed. I have enjoyed lurking on your blog with the few comments I have posted. Please know that even if I did not post, I certainly saw! I love to see what you will post next, and I look forward to lurking on your blog some more!!

MybabyJohn, I do not know your name but I have valued your comments each post. Thank you for your insights and offerings. I hope you continue to follow me as I blog. I do not plan to blog every day, but at LEAST once a week! (And then, in addition, whenever the mood strikes.)

There are so many more that I would like to give my thanks to, but I fear this blog would be extremely long as a result! Even if you were not singled out, if you have posted comments please know that I value your time and efforts!

Thank you for joining me on this ride. Perhaps there will be another challenge soon and I will attempt to pick up that gauntlet as well!

Monday, May 2, 2011

The End of an Era?

I see splashed all over the news the word that Osama bin Laden has been killed by U.S. forces. No photos have been released and the body was speedily dumped (oh I'm sorry "gently eased") into the sea.

I wonder, though, if it is a political hoax?

I know I am too young to be so skeptical, but when it comes to politicians trying to be re-elected in our times there is no actual limit to what they would not do. Our current President has messed up his reputation with his voters to the point where he knew it would take nothing short of a miracle to be re-elected. Now that he will be credited as the President in the White House when bin Laden was finally killed, this is the shot in the arm that he needed.

Hm, I bet former President George W. Bush is wishing this would have happened during his administration...

This is not to take political sides. This is merely to wonder if bin Laden is truly dead. It may be morbid, but I would like to see pictures and television specials about how they identified his body. (We have television specials about everything else, why not this?)

What are your thoughts? Do you believe bin Laden is truly dead, or do you share my skepticism about this possibly being a ploy?